Thursday, May 12, 2011

Meat, if not properly digested, becomes poison; But poison, if used rightly, may turn medicinal.

Does going through bad things change you? I suppose they have to. Profound events in our lives are bound to have a profound effect on our lives. The question is what you do with that impact.

I am home. I came home to a wife who still loves me and a dog who may remember me (but I cant tell because he is a little special). I came home with all my bits and pieces in the same place as when I left. I dont have any major defect in me.

That does not mean that I did not see and participate in things that will have an impact on my life for as long as I live. Things have changed. I had a clinical psyc explain it to me like this. Every one who goes here ends up with post traumatic stress, just not every one ends up with the D in PTSD. Is it a disorder.

As much as I ranted and raved about what I saw and did and did not do, I was deeply hit tonight when asked by a friend a simple question. We were at work, it was not a hard question, but the venom that came out of me directed at the people in mountain country was so very bitter. I spewed forth with hate and anger. It would not stop. It was hard for me to realize that those words and hate were pouring out of my mouth, but they were.

I am angry and bitter about what I saw and experienced. I dont like it. I dont like that it seems to have infected me with a level of bitter anger that burns so deeply. The worst part is that I like it. I like the hate. It feels good. So very good. I liked to just let it spew forth and watch the faces of those around me as they recoil in shock. Good, perhaps they will see what I see. Or perhaps they are just looking at a bitter old man who saw something and did not like it. I dont know that it really matters one way or the other.

And I am the lucky one who came back whole.


Carrie said...

I love you Matt Stark - Dearest of friend (though we rarely chat) I will be keeping you in my thought (you and your beautiful wife). Hope maybe we can chat soon!