Friday, November 26, 2010

“The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.” ~ Jack London

What is justice? I know it’s a big word that gets tossed around much. I have read and reread that quote from MLK the last few days. I wrote it on the plywood door to the wardroom. It says that justice is the ultimate expression of love. Justice corrects everything that stands against love. I want that kind of justice.

I lost my love for the world, I let the hate of my situation cloud my perception. I have not found love again, I do NOT love these people, but I don’t hate them. It may return, I hope it does not. I hope that I can continue to learn from this experience. I hope that the shit of this place will wash off. I long to return to my blissful life of ignorance. Its so much easier to not think of the great cost of this continued endeavor.

I try so very hard to not squander precious resources. Everything here costs so very much. Every drop of water that I drink during the day comes from a plastic bottle. Not a lot of choice in the matter, there is no safe source of water to pull from here. Every drop for cooking, drinking everything. I average about 8 bottles a day, 4L of water, not counting what goes into the food at the chow hall.

The Navy shower. Every time I shower, it’s a ritual. You turn the water on, jump under the stream and get wet. You turn the water off, soap up and then rise off. Whole process takes about 2 min with only 30 seconds of water used.

Everything I do costs money. Its expensive to keep humans alive out here. Much more expensive to keep us fat dumb and happy. Perhaps part of me feels that I don’t suffer enough. Its such a shitty place, but I have it so much better than so many of my brothers. Every day the planes bring in fresh meat and take away the dead. I don’t watch any more. I don’t want to know.

This place is such a waste of human life. I hate it. I hate the injustice of it. I cant seem to balance those two things. My extreme dislike of this place and the death it brings VS the good of freeing a people from an oppressive group of bastards. But my perspective is skewed, I hate them more than I do the injustice of this place. I wish they would go away. I wish that my guys did not have to die for this stinking shit hole. I have no love for this place. I have no love for these people. I don’t hurt for them, I don’t feel for them. I just want my people to stop coming in with no legs and no hands.

I hate, but I don’t think it’s a wrong kind of hate. Perhaps that is justice? I don’t hate people, I hate the situation, I hate the end result of young men returning to their wives without a dick. I hate that I sit here and just watch it all happen. I am so absolutely helpless to make the insanity stop.

Make it stop.


t. said...

Every stitch helps. Every pill helps. Every minute of compassionate listening you offer helps. Every time you bear witness to something, and remember it, and write about it so the world can see it and know it, helps.

Hang in there buddy.

By the way, it's not a Navy Shower, it's a Sea Shower. Maybe if you were a hardcore sailor like me, you'd know that ;). Haa haa

Emergingjourney said...

I think it would be harder for one of my 21 year old Marines to take something called a "Sea Shower". Besides, we have signs advertising the Navy Shower. But perhaps we could start a new trend. I will ponder making some new sign changes for you.

t. said...

Just think : sea shanties in your sea shower!