rambling thoughts.

I have always had this idealized notion of medicine. I chose the profession because it was hard and it allowed me to make a profound impact on people's life. In much the same way that I want to engage with people in their life. Some days life sucks. I wanted to make it suck a little less.

I have been scared for a long time because I dont want to impose upon people. I dont want to force my will upon others. Some days its hard to balance my love of medicine with my love of people, some days they are opposed. I have to tell people that they cant continue to eat the way that they have been unless they want to continue to destroy their body. Its really hard for me to watch someone step into the room who has made choices and now is crying over those choices.

Yes, I want to help, but part of me is angry as well. I am angry that they have killed their liver with alcohol, or lungs with smoke, and now want me to pick up the shattered pieces of their body and try to stitch them together. I have been an organ donor for as long as I could remember because in my mind, I am obviously not using them any more so why should I care what happens to my body when I die? But, a bitter part of me wants to be the judge of who is worthy of my liver. I have taken care of it, I dont want it to go to a person who chose to destroy what they had to begin with.

I still dont want to force people to change. True change only happens when you have an internal compass change. Yes I can put a bit in your mouth and force a change, but you will return when the pressure is off. A true fundamental change in your life is possible, but it takes great internal fortitude to withstand the pressure that it takes to make that change. Pain and pleasure, they will pierce your heart and wake you to a change.

I fear that the world is built around keeping the masses asleep at the wheel. Just living life in the hopes of passing another day of mundane life. Life is bigger, it is people and love and hate and passion, its dirty and shitty. WAKE UP! Just find a reason to live today! I am not saying that you have to have a passion of life, but pick something today and fight for it. Pick anything. Pick it up today and just live life with that in your mind. Pick a friend, a stranger, a coworker, a pet something.

I am tired of sleeping people. I wish that they would wake up. I cant make them wake up. I wish that they had just a spark of life inside them. I hope for them.

"You may say I am a dreamer, but I am not the only one"