Tuesday, June 01, 2010

"We improve ourselves by victories over ourself. There must be contests, and you must win." ~ Gibbon

There is balance in life. I find it difficult to accept that balance some days. I would rather bend the universe around my will, but thats probably why I fear I could become an evil emperor. I am a mix of very different and strong emotions. I hate and despise "the Man" and all that is represented by big corporate/government. I immediate reaction is to push against it. I guess I am just a rebel at heart.

I am a rebel that has to find a cause. I pick my causes because I need the fight. I need combat in my life, I need to do battle with something. I had a very interesting case the other day. Very sick and had a lot of different pathologies going on inside their body. I had to spend days with my nose in the books trying to understand what I was being presented with, I had a fundamental understanding, but I wanted more. I nerded out on that experience. I needed that challenge. I needed to be pushed. There is so much more that I need to know, but every step of the journey takes me one step closer.

Its unfortunate sometimes when someone tells me that I can't do something, it makes me try all the harder to make it happen. Sounds like a small problem right? The problem comes when you try and live your life in community with others and you cant just do something for the sole purpose of proving someone else wrong. There needs to be compromise. It has taken me a very long time to come to grips with that small word "compromise".

I used to rail against compromise, I would follow my heart or die, simple. There are very few things in this world that can make me compromise. Perhaps I would even go so far as to say that there is NOTHING that can make me compromise. I can choose to compromise in exchange for living in community/relationship with other people.

I have strength, some days its not harnessed into a useful strength, its wild and untamed power. I can get myself into trouble with that, focus is the key. I can do anything, I just have to focus the strength and will the completion. I have a tendency to put myself into difficult situations. Its out of some deep need to feel the pain of the situation. I desire great things of myself.

I choose this battle. I will overcome.



Jenny said...

I find your words intriguing about choosing to compromise for the sake of community/relationships. I agree--it's a difficult balance to find between having intense passion and vision and seeking to live that out, while also remembering that relationships are important (and who wants to live life sans relationships?), and that it takes compromise or some other kind of word in order to love people and be in relationship with them. Ideally community and passion will be synergistic together...