FUBAR

SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT! Not good, really not good, really bad. Getting worse. The only thing that saved me was that I was ignorant of much. I think I would have freaked out a bit more if I had known right away what I know now. But I guess that’s learning right?

I have often wondered about how we talk to each other. I noticed something today, made a bit of a connection if you will. When we have to give bad news to people, its so much easier to use the “we” term. Perhaps I always thought that was a bit arrogant, but no, I don’t think its arrogance, I think its because its such a hard thing to try and tell someone “bad news”. There are different levels of Bad News to give to people, I have done the “Your dad may well die”, “This does not look good”, “this is a bad kind of cancer”. Today’s bad news was a bit different. Luckily I did not have to do much talking. Lucky because I don’t think I could have made it through without breaking down and balling like a baby.

All started off as my first solo approach to abdominal US for the first OB check. I was happy as a clam when I found the uterus, and even found the little peanut in there. But then the rez sorta took over and we measured it out, it’s a couple weeks smaller then where it should be. But the big problem was the heart was not beating. Sad.

Clinically I know that it happens, I can distance myself from it, but trying to tell a mom that her fetus is not “alive” sucks. I don’t care where you fall on that whole abortion thing, but telling a mom that she is not pregnant when she really wants to be is about a shitty experience.

M@