Sunday, September 28, 2008

"The core of mans' spirit comes from new experiences." ~McCandless

I realized something about myself yesterday. I have a fierce drive to be independent. I was driving across the east side of the state, I stopped by the clinic in baker, got to say howdy to all the staff and doc and everyone. Plan was to stay and perhaps have dinner with PA and his fam and then jet out across the east side to find a nice place to camp out. I know the wild over there enough to know a lot of really nice places to lay my head.

Here is the thing. I thought about staying at PA’s house, but to be honest, I really wanted to go find my own little piece of dirt to sleep on. Its part Boy Scout to be prepared and have a whole life survival kit in the back of the subi just incase there is a zombie apocalypse or something like that. There is something inside me that makes me want to be completely independent or non-dependant on other people. Its totally reasonable to want to sleep on a couch as opposed to the ground. But I had to make myself accept the offer of a bed as opposed to just saying “no thanks, I would rather sleep outside”. But there is more to it then just a nice place to sleep. I wanted to be free from everything, free from any sort of confine that would close in on me. Its all very vague and into the wild-ish, but its not crazy, I don’t think it is.

This need to be free is in a lot of different areas of my life. I need to be free from anything that would seek to confine me to a place or time or space. Anything that would seek to control me must be met with resistance. But does it also block out part of my life FROM other people? Perhaps. I have noticed that it does keep other people out at least on some level. I seem to cycle between wanting to be near other people and wanting to run away from everything. Guess it just depends on what day you catch me on.


Jenny said...

awesome picture :)
yeah, you know, I think that any close relationship constrains us a little bit--it takes an investment of our time & energy, it takes having the guts to work through conflict instead of running away, it takes choosing to bite down our nasty words and find gentler ways to say things when we are angry, it takes calling when we're going to be home late or not at all, etc. Of course, when we feel like doing those things, it's not a constraint at all, but sometimes I do NOT feel like being kind or loving, but I do it because the person and the relationship is worth it. I guess I'd consider that a constraint, but a worth it one. Hmmm. Your thoughts?