Sunday, December 10, 2006

another twist to the tail

I was swimming (figuratively) along at work today and I started pondering the bigger things in life. One of the things that I noticed was that I seem to be a person who lives life somewhat on the edge. I was trying to ponder what that means last night with a friend and we came to the conclusion that some people are just living life on the edge, away from the center line. I was thinking about how more often than not, the idea of “normal” seems to be the middle, you don’t swing hard to either side, but are just normal, in the middle of life. I guess that is good, but I realized a few years ago that there is more to life then just trying to keep to the middle. I remember a youth pastor back in the day telling me that the idea was to try and normalize the swings in life, to try and get away from the extremes and find a happy balance in the middle. I guess that I just to want “happy” happy says content, acceptance, complacency. I lived life for a while in the middle ground and did not really like it that much. In old school war, the space between combatant’s lines was called dead man’s land, or no man’s land. It was the space that was in dispute, for the most part, both sides had figured out where the other guy was, who owned what land, and what land they wanted from the other side. Perhaps I can say that life can be like that as well, not to go all spiritual or something, but, everyone has good and bad days, some people seem to have a lot more dark days then the statistical 50% that should happen, and it sucks for those people. I have felt some of that, I know there have been ugly places where I felt horribly disturbed by my own feelings and thoughts, I surprise myself with my capability for being mean or insensitive. But sometimes, I have these beautiful spaces where I can hardly remember the former pain and anguish. I am happy at both spaces for what ever small ability I have to write, some people just have a way with words, others (me) not have way. But I try, and I try a lot, so every so often I get something coherent out, not that today is going to be one of those days, I honestly would not keep writing about trying to figure life out, but I have this vague idea of something in my mind and I just seem to be having a really hard time transferring it to type.

I guess that I feel that there are times when your world outlook changes, something happens that alters how you live life, or how you look at something. I guess that I want to think about how I have changed in my life, and how it just seems not worth it to live life in the middle, sure you might miss a lot of the crappy stuff that happens, you can skip on some of the hurt, but you miss the really good stuff also, perhaps that is the root of the old saying of better to have loved and lost than never love at all. I don’t know if I still agree with the whole saying, but perhaps there is some nugget of truth. I feel that it is important to love, it makes life livable, but living on the edge does hurt sometimes. I feel that I have somewhat of a hard time trusting people, I seem to have these windows of feeling really honest, but sometimes I feel that no matter what, I am on my own, that all I have to rely on is myself, which is crap, I know that I will never go anywhere without the freaking cool friends that I have, but still there is some kind of nagging voice in my head thinking all the crappy thoughts I am too scared to think.

So, I got into Pacific U for a masters in Physician Assistant. I start May of 07, and part of me is absolutely terrified. The more I think about it, the more I freak myself out. But it is not all the bad kind of freak out, I feel so stinking happy that I made it in, that I beat out a lot of really freaking qualified people to get into the early process. The funny thing is that I don’t know that I would have gone anywhere else even if I did get in, so I got exactly what I wanted, and I feel so confidant that this is what I want to do with my life, but I fear it at the same time. I was not really afraid, I was so stinking happy, buzzed, elated, and other things for the first week, but today, today I feared. I fear getting trapped into this life here and now, I don’t want to be stuck in American life, I don’t want a white picket fence with kids, a wife and a couple dogs. I fear loosing passion and life, I fear buying this enormous loan to go to school and being sucked into the vicious cycle of having to earn money to pay off debt, and then having to earn more to get what I need to make more money. It was not all that long ago that I was free and clear, nothing attaching me to anything, that was a great feeling, now I have debt, and am looking to get a lot more, sure you can say it is all necessary, that it is good, but I fear it just the same.

“Eve was framed” ~ bumper sticker on Belmont St.