Sunday, May 07, 2006

What if?

So, for the most part, I am what some people might call lucky, others might say, blessed. For the most part, I don’t worry about much, it just seems to work it’s self out, and I don’t do any good by winding myself up. Good stuff just seems to happen to me. I guess that part of that has to do with how I approach life. Lets talk in story. If I was walking down a path in the woods, and the path is something like life, I for the most part take the path that I feel most comfortable with, not really the “easy” path, or the path least traveled, its just the path that I “feel” right about, for the most part, whatever that feeling is, it has steered me in the right direction. Its not about easy as in the path of least resistance, if you know me, you know that I am not one for taking the easy way out of much of anything. So what do I call this thing that is a “feeling” can I call it god, or karma, or chi, what is it? Why should I follow it? I guess that for the most part, in my life, I have just done what I should do, what I felt right about, but again, its just a vague feeling, its nothing solid, its not even really a solid feeling, I cant even hold the thought of what it is in my mind, its like trying to pick a watermelon covered in Crisco out of a lake, and that was about the most slippery thing that I could think of, and yes it is really really slippery. So trying to talk about or even think about this feeling is really hard, I just cant seem to grasp the full implications of it. I almost feel guilty for this thing, does everyone get it? Do some people just ignore it? Is it god, or something from the other side? I guess that I would look back at my life and say that it has been good, I might even say really good. So, I should trust this feeling right?

I bring all this up because I feel something changing in my world. I have been pursuing something, but I feel that perhaps that path has just closed on me. Not closed, that’s the wrong word, I know that I could continue to pursue it, and I might even succeed, but I don’t feel good about it, I don’t “feel” this path. Perhaps because I am not receiving immediate positive feedback? I would say that receiving positive feedback has historically been part of the “feeling”, so the lack thereof would tend to point me in the direction of option b.

OK, so option A is the pursuit of something medical, specifically a PA, it has been my goal for some time now, and is where I want to take my life, I see myself as being a great PA, and helping people all around the world in a very real and honest and meaningful way. To physically heal something is powerful. Option B seems to be pointing in the direction of mechanics, something that I have done for most of my life, and I am good at it, I can see the way that things are supposed to go, I can visualize in my mind what things are doing, how parts should go together, how they work when they are next to something else. I see machines. Even in school, in O-chem, I just started to see the molecules in my mind, I could manipulate them in my mind and play with the configuration, they even made funny sounds when I would rotate one bond, only in my mind of course, I am not crazy, just weird. I guess that I just don’t want to do the mechanic thing, or perhaps I want to do the medical thing, and it seems nicer, better, whatever you want to call it, more “prestigious” to be medical. Mechanic is just a grease monkey; I am for more than that right? But where does that come from? Why is being a mechanic, (something that I can do, and do well, do better than a lot of people) a bad thing, why is it less than another choice?

If I feel that I should stay true to my gut feeling, than I should change my search, but is this feeling coming from the recent frustrations? I have been rejected for a bunch of jobs lately, and honestly, I have never been rejected for a job before, I have always gotten the job that I applied for. So, 27 years without a rejection is not a bad record, but is this just a struggle that I need to press on and get through to get to the goal, or is this something telling me that I am headed down the wrong path? I seriously had a “god moment” last night when I was running this though my mind and trying to nail it down, it just felt like I knew what my desire was, but was being asked to put that away in purpose of something else. Why would god give me purpose and than ask me to go against it? I am not saying that I don’t have purpose or get some kind of joy out of mechanic-ing, but I was really convinced that that is where I needed to go, I have just spent the last four years at school to pursue that, if that were not the way to go, than I just wasted four years of my life, and I should have been studying aeronautical engineering. My immediate reaction to that was just that no matter what, this last chunk of my life at school was not a waste, I learned so much stuff, valuable things about life, about me, about love, about god, about who I am, about how to live with people, about working hard, what hard really is, so many other things. No, school was not a waste, it was life, and it was good. I don’t owe anything to what I did in school, if I end up doing something completely different than anything that I have a degree in, that’s OK, I will still do that job the best of anyone else.

Perhaps in the big picture, does it really matter what I do with my life? Wow, that sounds so slacker like if I would just float through life and always take the easy way out, but I don’t think that’s what I am trying to say. Or perhaps its just because I fear being seen as a slacker, so I over compensate by trying to convince myself that no matter what I do, I am not a slacker, that I am just doing what I want to do.

Hope that makes more sense to you, than it does to me.


“What power had I before I learned to yield? Shatter me Great Wind! I shall possess the field!” ~ Richard Wilber


Anna said...

Hmm. I see you having a lot of different jobs in completely unrelated fields throughout your life, 'cause you're crazy like that :) Something sure seems to be guiding you in a good way, but I don't know what exactly it is - I only know if I did the right thing once it's over! Course, if it were me, I would pray. 'Specially if it's bothering you, because that says something.

Anonymous said...


Amaranth said...

I totally resonated with this post, as I am facing an almost identical dilemma in my own life. Pray about it, and be patient, listen, and pay attention, and God will show you the way. Good luck in whatever you choose. You sound like you will succeed in whatever you do, so choose what will make you happiest.