Sunday, December 04, 2005

risk, its not just a game.

So, few are the people who I am closely and intimately bound with, I guess in reality, there are quite a few people who I am bound with, many more than some people I know, it feels that our lives have just become wound together, our roots have mingled into eachother, around and with the other. We have grown together, it has been said that the greatest bonds of brotherhood are formed in combat, or strife or struggle. I would agree, when I have been so defeated and wounded, and hurt that I would let my guard down, amazing friends stood by me, loved me, cared for me and held my hand even when I showed how truly ugly I can be. I found this thing called love, where my friends became important to me, not the love of Hollywood, but a true caring and compassion, a real friendship kind of love. I guess that part of me wants to care for and love people, but a big part of me is scared of loving someone, and it not being returned. So, the idea that god can just give out love like it’s a candy really hit me hard, is there really anything worse than caring about someone who does not return the care? I know that my friends will still love me, but I fear that kind of abandonment, I fear that somehow even though they have stuck with me through thick and thin, that I will demand too much. So, things happen, life changes and friends that I once thought were true and intimate friends start to grow in different directions than where I am going. Its not a bad thing, its just life, I don’t love them any less, and its OK with me that life and friends change, how boring would life be if people did not change. Even if the people grow in different directions, I feel that we will still be lifelong friends, that life was meant to be shared, that by sharing life, you experience things that are not inside your control. Sometimes I will not do something because I fear failing at it, but with a friend, they bring an independent part into it, so it grows you outside your normal bounds. Back to the plant analogy, if your part of a symbiotic system, your root system might be expanded by an association with fungi, the fungi reach places and things that your normal roots don’t, your friends reach places that you wont, cant or don’t. They grow you in different ways, some ways that are painful and you might not chose to grow in, but friends can force it on you. Friends are good.


To laugh is to risk appearing the fool
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To expose feeling is to risk exposing your true self
To place your ideas or your dreams before the crowd is to risk there loss
To love is to risk not being loved in return
To live is to risk dying
To hope is to risk despair
To try is to risk failure"


Patty said...

I enjoy reading your thoughts. I read this post about 2 1/2 times. Good writing. I don't write openly like you & others do, since I only started my blog for my photos & sharing some stories. I began my blog knowing I would leave certain parts of my life out of it. School, religion, politics, ...but reading other peoples true feelings makes me feel like part of myself is missing on my blog. I don't know if I should be more open or create another blog for my thoughts. I want to keep my photos & my deep thoughts separate, but I feel kind of torn in two. I don't know.

Enough about me...

Is there someone that you care about or love that doesn't return your feelings? Or are you just writing because you are scared of how you'll feel when you realize you care more about someone than they will ever feel towards you? There will never be equal love between everyone. I know that I am pretty loyal to people, too much so. I have cared about & loved many friends & people, who cared far less about me. It is always sad when you give this huge part of yourself to someone who cares little(or not equally as much as yourself) for you, yet you may call yourselves best friends or girl/boyfriend.

I don't know exactly how you're feeling(sad, perfectly fine) & I don't think you need any advice, but...Cheer up! & try to see it as THEIR loss & not your loss. :)

Emergingjourney said...

It was odd the first time you and anna started to say stuff on my blog, before that, everyone who said something, I knew, the only people that read this were my friends that I had told about it. So it was a little odd to think that someone else I did not know was reading this. I just had to make a choice a while ago and just decided that I wanted to live the kind of life where I could just be honest and open with people, it was very freeing to just be me, and honestly just be myself and let the rest of the world deal with it. I was sick of hiding behind what was proper or expected of me. It makes me sad when people wont be honest with who they are, what they feel, or whats happening in there life. I understand about the deep thoughts though. I keep a real journal that I keep a different set of thoughts in. I am way open in what I say here, but there are other parts that I need to just work through with just me, and perhaps god. In that manor, writing is almost an exercise in chruch, I feel that when I write out what I feel, or whats bothering me, that that is when I feel god working in my life.

Patty said...

I think at first it seemed weird & exciting to read someone else's thoughts, but now that I've gotten used to reading people's blogs, it seems perfectly natural, like we're all connected in a way & friends in a way, even though some of us have never met. For several years I wrote in journals every day or attempted to, but months ago, I stopped. Just before I started my blog, I kept a journal on my computer, typing in WordPad. I still do now & then, not as much. As to honesty in my blog, I would never lie about anything, but there are certain things I won't post: family members' names, up-close photos of them, unless they don't mind, ...I try to be positive in my writing. Everyone has bad days, but I don't want to focus on negative issues in my writing. Sometimes I read people's problems, rants, ...and sometimes I feel closer to those people who let out all their emotions and work through it by writing, but I don't like reading people's writings where they just complain & have a depressive manner 24-7. I can say that since beginning my blog, I have posted something everyday, which is my goal, but there are days/nights when I'm super tired, busy, in a fight with someone, etc., but I'm not going to go on and on about some fight or argument I've had. It'll eventually be worked out & I don't see the point in posting that on my blog. If I didn't set limits, like only posting some photos & a story, then I'd go on forever writing. Even if I'm not that good with words & English, I still love writing. So I guess it's good to have some limits. But I'm glad that you & others choose to have a blog to write out your truly personal thoughts, because I like reading & commenting.