Saturday, November 05, 2005


I read something in an old journal entry, it brought up some cool thoughts. I had just gone up to Portland and made dinner for a friend of mine. I love doing stuff for my friends on there birthdays, it is just cool, I love doing stuff for people that is more than just buying something from the store that has no meaning behind it. For my friends birthday, I made some homemade salmon chowder and bread bowls from scratch. It was so cool and it meant a lot to my friend. So the point is that another friend asked me why I went through all the effort, and drove up to Portland, and all the effort associated with the dinner. I just said that I got joy out of helping people, she kept digging and there is no big thing behind it, just that helping other people makes me feel great. It taps into a core aspect of who I am on a very personal level. “Desire reveals design” all I can say is that by helping people, it accesses part of me perhaps THE me. This is part of the idea of just being OK with yourself where and who and how you are. I guess that I am odd, when it comes down to it, I would rather help someone else win rather than win myself, if we were in some kind of a competition. Again, another reason why I will never make it as a real athlete, I would rather help my friend and see them honored than push them down to win that honor for myself. A big thing happened today that really showed a very true aspect of who I am. I had to work up at the military base this weekend, lately I have just really hated the idea of the military (and I am in it), but, it just felt that perhaps it was a part of my life that was needed to shape me into who I am, but is not needed for the future, which is a change from what it has been before. It feels that the direction that my life is heading in the near future will perhaps lead me into something that is not compatable with service. Today, I volunteered today for an unknown task, something that is usually a scary thing to do in the military, they might ask for one volunteer, but they wont say what its for, they just say, “I need a volunteer” it might end up being for a really bad thing, but I usually end up volunteering because I just hate it when no one volunteers. So as it turns out I got put in the back of a big truck with a bunch of other people, but unlike other times of “volunteering” this time, I was in charge, (which is also a new thing, but a different tangent). So, we were in a convoy (just think of the song) so we got ambushed by the “bad guys”, but it was all war game stuff, but it was really really real like, they were throwing flash-bang grenades at us, and smoke bombs and tear gas, and all we had were stupid little “simulated guns” that did not even fire back. I got slightly wounded in the first wave a guys, so some of the other guys grabed me and tossed me (literally, threw) into the back of a hummer and were going to get me out of the area, but the convoy (think of the song) commander, was sheltered behind my hummer and she was freaking out because she had all these simulated wounded people, and had no medical people, she was asking if we had any emt’s, I was like, well, I am in the civilian world, but not for the military. She was like, well, now you’re my medic. So I got to run around and triage all the wounded, and treat the people and set up care for them. It was one of the best times that I have ever had in a military game, and I did not even have a gun, I was not a “soldier”. The point is that for some strange reason, I felt compelled and driven to run out into harms way, to get to a wounded soldier and try and help him. I am a relatively cautious person when it comes to people shooting at me, this was something greater than just me. This was desire, like the Eldridge kind of desire, a real design. When I was growing up, I loved to play with G.I. Joes, the little toy soldiers. I did not even realize it till today, but one of my favorite gi’s was this medic guy named Lifeline I never knew why, he hated guns and did not like to carry one, but he was always the first guy to go running out into the fight to try and save someone. That’s how I felt today, it hit something very core to who I am. Hungh, well, that’s enough for one night.

"It is difficult to make a man miserable while he feels worthy of himself and claims kindred to the great God who made him." ~ Abraham Lincoln


Patty said...

Hi! I was just wondering if you are a Christian? I read some of the things you have written and I couldn't tell if you were or not. I am a Christian. From what I read about your values/views, I can say I am much more conservative, but I liked your writing. I will be back to read more when I can. Feel free to check out my blog site and comment if you want. My blog is mainly a place to post my photographs and sometimes to write about my life.

Patty said...

I didn't read this post until after I commented, so now I will comment again, but on the post. My brother loves G.I. Joes. He puts them everywhere around the house. Hanging from the lights, in the Christmas tree, everywhere, you should see the pictures I've taken of the 10-20 men hanging from ropes he's set up, & more. He is planning on joining the army when he gets a bit older and my sister wants to too. I have thought about it, but I don't think it's something I'll end up doing. Helping people/doing something nice is a great feeling. I also agree that it means much more when you don't buy something, but you have to actually spend time thinking of something creative. I always make my own cards for people, never buy cards. They may not look as good as a perfectly printed card, but it shows you care more, i think.

Anna said...

You're an EMT? That's great! I sometimes wonder what I would do if there was a mandatory draft and women were included. I am very much in support of the protection of freedom, but I don't think I could kill another human being short of God telling me in person that I had to. I am in the medical field also - I can handle all kinds of gore, but probably because it is in the context of healing. Movies with even minor violence and gore really shake me up - I can't imagine seeing Saving Private Ryan, let alone causing that kind of human destruction. How do you deal with your inclination to save when you're a military man?