Wednesday, November 02, 2005

do you cee me?

To just know that you are loved, perhaps the greatest quest of all mankind. It always amazes me that no matter how much a person is told that they are loved, always things happen that make them question their own self worth. It seems to be a constant and reoccurring thing, perhaps it is part of our cyclic nature. Everything goes through cycle. Right now we are in the changing season of fall, I love fall, I love to smell the rain, to feel the way that the fog brushes against my face, it almost tickles, but it makes me feel like I am flying. I love the food, the way that I made soup in the crock pot yesterday and it was all hot and ready when I got home at night. This is also a season of death, but not of death in the permanent sense, things “hunker down for a long winter’s rest”. Perhaps that is my point, that we need the rest. I am almost sick of the whole peaks and valleys or seasons thing as it is applied to spirituality, or life. Trying to justify why the low stuff, why bad stuff. Perhaps we need to ask something else, what is the lesson here, what do I need to learn. We just don’t seem to be able to believe that someone else really thinks that we are worthwhile. We try and prove why were OK, why we should not get voted off the island. Where does this insatiable thirst for acceptance/approval come from? So much of our world, perhaps all the world is built around trying to get you better than you are. From tv telling you what to wear, and how to dress; to books telling you that if only you were special, than everything would work out. Religion has not escaped it, look around the church or the book store, find a thousand books or programs telling you how you can become better. Better than what? Better than you are now? I don’t want to discount the drive to become better than you are, but is that how we should be focused? Its our negative nature coming through, we look at things and see the bad, the things that are broken, rare is it to look for the beauty, the life, the amazing things that just are. I don’t want to be just a complacent hippy sitting around and waiting, but perhaps there is too much drive and not enough appreciation. I went on a hella long bike ride with a friend of mine, it was a tough ride, and she was not really up to it physically, the first half was all uphill, than by the time we hit parts of the single track downhill, she was so physically exhausted that she was just plodding along, hating life and looking for it to be over. The sad part is that she missed some of the most amazingly and unashamedly beautiful views because all she was focused on was getting done. Perhaps we would do to take a lesson, look around us, and see the beauty, really SEE it. Do we see the beauty in others? Are we looking, or are we just looking at how they (and we) should change? If we can accept ourselves for who we are (and where in our journey), perhaps we could believe that someone else might think that we are worthwhile, perhaps that even someone or something else might truly love us. If we can grasp that, the cycle stops, that becomes the lowest that we can fall.

"There are only four questions of value in life, Don Octavio. What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same: only love." ~Don Juan De Marco(1995)


Anna said...

You're quite the thinker, Matt. I was talking to my friend the other day about how people are, telling him that it seemed that no one really wanted you because they're always looking for something. They love the idea of you (which sometimes doesn't resemble you at all), or the fact that you keep them from loneliness, or you have some talent to offer. It is such a rare thing to find someone that loves you for who you are, or even just for your potential, without the expectation of its realization. The ironic thing is that I don't know if I'm capable of such altruism, but I know I crave it. I'd like to see the beautiful and overlook the broken. But it's forever a losing struggle.
If you ever figure out a way to convince yourself that you have inherent worth (or maybe you already know?), I'd appreciate a tip.

Emergingjourney said...

Thanks, knowing that you have worth, well, there is a really long story behind that one. Perhaps I will try and write it out for you when I get a chance, or you and I will have to go out and eat some pasta, drink a little Pinot, and talk about the bigger things in life. Take care tonight on the ever so dreaded Thursday evening.