Tuesday, January 11, 2005

where are my blinders?

So, I am sitting here eating a bowl of “finding Nemo” cereal, it is like lucky charms, but not because it is from the grocery outlet, enough said. Sad, I don’t get to do everything that I want to do, but this brings up a good point. Do I know what I want? I know that I want krispy kream, I know that I want an A in bio-chem, I know that I want to love God more that I love myself. I was struck this morning by my life and how I have learned and not learned things. So I had a dream this morning, it was vivid enough to wake me up. The thing that was most shocking to me was the content of the dream. I am used to normal dreams where things don’t look right, and everyone looks like a character out of a Dr. Seuss book (perhaps that’s just me). What struck me was how real this dream was, I could see everything, very clearly, from the leaves on the tree to the black berry vines on the side of the trail. I was walking down a trail, it was one of those biting cold and clear days in winter, I could see the sky and some clouds above. I noticed that I was not walking alone, so I turned to look at who I was walking with, it was Brooke. When I woke up this morning, I was sad mixed with angry, I was angry that someone could be in MY dreams, someone who I did not want there. Angry at myself for not being done and over with this after one year, several months, several girlfriends, several cars, but I am not, there are still feelings and emotions there. I was sad that I am so easy to pull aside from a relationship with Gina. I was sad that I have formed a bond with someone who I might never see again. I was sad that different parts of here (OSU,Corvallis) have memories attached to them that I can not scrub out of my mind. I did morning practice at the gym this morning, after workout, I was showing and could not help but remember the hours that I spent with Brooke running and talking, than going back to the gym to shower and than go to class. I was not even dating her, it was not a thought, it was just two really good friends. I was sad that I can not be that kind of a friend to her, I was sad that my heart or mind or whatever this is, keeps getting in the way. I don’t know that I will ever be able to have a “friendship” with Brooke, I don’t know that I would trust myself in that way. So, I ended up getting mad at God this morning, I was trying to journal through some of this, and praying at the same time, why o why cant you just wipe my memory clear of this? As soon as I said it, I did not like what I had just said. I don’t want a blank mind. I do not want to go back to being who I was before her, I don’t even want to go back to who I was when I was with her. So where does that leave me, I guess that one year is not too long for something to change, men have done great and terrible things for the love and affections of a woman, and they have carried that with them through tough times. I guess that love is just one of those things that will not be forgotten, it will not be marginalized, or downplayed in any way. I guess that that is a good thing, a powerfull thing for sure, but I think a good thing, it is the thing that will hold through good and bad times for the people that it binds.
“I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.” ~Mother Teresa


The Fly said...

Hey Matt, give me a jingle one of these days. We have much to discuss.