Sunday, November 21, 2010

“sometimes you just need to look reality in the eye, and deny it” - Garrison Keillor

I have been blessed with an abundance of time as of late. I work every day, but I have time because there is nothing else to do other than eat, work and workout. It changes your perspective on life to just simplify things.

I guess we are mostly all hoarders by nature, forced simplification hurts too much to not be forced upon you. Not many would voluntarily take the simplification.

I used to live in my car. I used to pride myself on the fact that I was independent. During my wondering years, I would travel from place to place and it was a constant comfort to know that I had my camp stove and coffee pot in the back and could survive in my car for weeks just off what I had in there.

I did not need for space, the car was just for sleeping. I worked out and showered at work, I would spend a bit of time in the evening at one of the local coffee shops eating or drinking and just living life. No one really knew that I was living in my car and that was the point. What we “need” for survival is much different than what we “want” for survival.

Here it’s a bit different, but similar. I live out of a small bag. Take my clothes to the laundry every other day and just survive with the same things every day. I am nothing if not a creature of habit. Once something becomes habit, it becomes deeply ingrained in me. This place is a constant habit. Same thing every day.

Perhaps a little like prison. In Shawshank Redemption, the author tells of how prison life is built around routine. I have built myself a routine here. I eat the same things most days. I even shower in the same shower stall. The other night, I changed it up and showered in the stall across the way, it was really freaking me out that everything was backwards. I build in stability to my day, and when things change, it upsets the balance.

I am calm today. Perhaps I need the stability of routine to comfort me. I seek it out and it calms me to find the same thing every day, even if it’s a small thing, its comforting. It’s a bit like doing a long steady state piece of workout on the erg, you just pull and pull and you don’t have to think about the numbers. I can get lost in the numbers and that’s not a bad thing.

I think too much. Some days my mind will not unwind enough to just see what is in front of me. I have to fight that and just stop and see what is staring me in the face. I seek peace.

I dont particularly like this reality. I dont think I will accept it.