I have not hated the holidays for a few years now. But I am feeling the start of hating this one. I may just become a bit bah-humbug this year. I don’t feel happy about it. I feel insulated from the world.
I feel bad. I remember when I had a good friend end her years of college and become very sad about her leaving that time behind. I did not openly mock her, but the tone was one of mocking.I did not understand.
There is a newfound drive in life, but it scares me. I get up every morning and I run through all my ACLS cards. I see them in my head. I see the patients that we have coded at work in my mind. Its no shit time. Its 1147 at night and I am studying from The Schnob’s text book. I want to know the mechanism of how lidocaine stops arrhythmias. I am sure that was taught to me, and I even remember drawing out the diagrams of it back on a white board somewhere. I even have notes and highlighter marks in my text book proving that at some point in my past I even looked at this page.
Perhaps a little gin will make it all better. One can only hope.
MS
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