“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”

What if we are a reflection of those around us? I realized this morning that the Surgeon that I have been working with the last few days has a REALLY different view of me then my normal surgeon.

On a side rant, I have decided to call them surgeons, not doctors. Perhaps its like being a POW, you can change the term of address to mean something to you personally, but still have it sound correct on the outside. They are a bunch of monkeys with hammers and chisels, their motivation for caring for their Pt is that they don’t want to get sued. It is not a desire to help people, to help the person walk or live a better life. God help you if you come in as a Medicare patient, you become a “worthless sack of shit” to these people.

Back to the main rant, for the last week, I have managed to avoid working with my normal surgeon for the past 7 days!!! Joy, pure joy. So I have been a good PA tramp and spending time with many different surgeons and learning many different skills and tidbits of knowledge. I have gotten several comments the last week that I did not fully appreciate till this morning. Yesterday I got told that I was MUCH smarter/better at life then the medical resident that they were working with as the last student. Odd because they offered the guy a residency and a job when he was a med student, but he ended up going somewhere else for residency. So yea for that right?

But how can two different MDs from the same clinic have such different views of me? Normal surgeon thinks that I am a box of rocks and that she is really concerned about my level of education. Different MD thinks that I am a super star after working with me for a week and feels that I performed better then a medical resident that they wanted to hire.

The thing that I realized this morning was this: I am partly a reflection of those around me. There is a core part of me that is me, but there is also part of me that responds to my outside environment. So, normal surgeon thinks I am stupid and takes the time to tell me that every day, I just don’t say anything to her and avoid her. It makes me look worse. But there is more to it then that. The back surgeon that I have been working with was the same guy who had the temper tantrum and went ape on me, but also that’s part of the thing that amazes him is that he can completely loose control and yell like he has never yelled at students in his life (really he is actually a really calm and great guy) and the next day I can joke with him and laugh it off, then spend 8 hours in an OR with him.

I have the potential to rise to a challenge, to overcome adversities. But there is also a time when I just hide from that and go back into my shell. Different people elicit a different response out of me. Those that bring out good things in me, I tend to want to be around; those that do not bring out those good things, I don’t want to be around.

Can I shift it? Can I force myself to bring out good parts of me in the face of a negative person? I wish it were that easy.