Monday, August 11, 2008

“Your heart is free, have the courage to follow it”

Perhaps it is enough to say that I want to be free, but also to say that I want to get what I want out of the deal. What if its not to just say that I want to be free from control, but what if it’s a compromise, we have to work with other people, we have to work in a world that does not revolve around me. But how to draw the line between fitting into a world that I am not the center of and yet also following my dreams?

What I am thinking is this, Can I still be me and yet work inside a system that is not really me? Can I use the system for my own benefit and live in a symbiotic relationship, in a mutualisitic symbiotic relationship, I don’t want to be the source of life for the other party (“the Man”) but I also am willing to give a little to get a little. Perhaps even give a little to get a LOT. But not give a lot to get a little. I have my standards.

I have discussed the life choices in-front of me with many wise sage people. People who I honor and trust. I really love that, that I have friends of “advanced” years to bounce things off of and to know that they really do have good intentions towards me. I guess that it becomes a game or sorts to balance out and filter what they “want” and what they are trying to say to me. I know their hearts are good, but I also fear being pushed into fulfilling their desires.

I have been pushing myself to find an answer to this whole question of what I should do with my life in the near future. I guess that’s how everyone lives, just finding that next goal, or finding how to live life in a way that it brings out passions and lets you fulfill what you need.

Talked with Frank B yesterday morning. I think that I really love how he can put his psychology whammy on me and yet I think it’s the coolest thing ever. He has a good way of asking hard questions. Or at least hard questions that make me rethink a way that I am currently thinking.

The question that really hit me the hardest was the good ole 5 year question. You just finished a great day of work and are exhausted and tired, yet so happy with your day that you are ready to get up and do it again the next day. What did you just do?

I can see three things that would really tickle me like that.
1) I really so badly want to go to a place where I can make a HUGE impact on people. To take myself and my knowledge to a place that will allow me to impact people on a profound and meaningful way. My friend Jenny just got back from Africa working in a medical mission. That would do it, to be there for someone who was really hurting and be able to make a change in their trajectory.

2) I have this real need to be able to take myself into a place where others will not go. I don’t know where this drive comes from, I need to be able to make an impact. I don’t want to be driving my money, I want to do what I want to do because I want to do it, not because it’s the “right” thing to do, not because it’s the “best” thing to do. But for my heart and sole.
3) I was so inspired by our pediatrician doc who came to talk to us from Fish creek. He was changing the world one kid at a time, he was actively engaging kids and parents and changing the fundamental way that they were looking at life. To have a hand in changing the learning trajectory of a kid is a powerful thing. That also could really turn my crank.

So, those are three things that I think would really feed my heart, to find my way in this world and find that way with following my heart. I know it sounds silly, but I can not think of something more important then living life here in pursuit of what my heart needs to fully live.

Ya, that would be nice. We will see what actually happens now.