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Thursday, February 23, 2006

JUXTAPOSITION:NOITISOPATXUJ

I am hungry, but the thought of eating makes me sick. I don’t understand this state that I am in. On the way to genetics rec today I realized that I had not eaten anything today except some toast this morning, and quite a bit of coffee. Part of me wants to eat desperately, but I just kinda don’t want to. I know that I could eat something, I know that I probably should, its not good to do things and be physical and not eat, so on a normal day, I am very regulated on what and when I eat. I have been that way for the last two years, getting up, eating breakfast, drinking protein shakes at 60 min intervals with a powerbar or two thrown in, and a peanut butter sandwich for lunch. Usually after practice I am sooo hungry that I just want to eat as much as I can. Last spring I got into some trouble from my health teacher, I did one of those calory logs where you figure out how many cals you burn in a day, and how many you eat. I was in a 2000 cal deficite, like I think that I was burning 5-6 thousand cal, and only eating 2-3 thousand. The teacher was concerned and wanted to know why I was not eating enough, and I just told her that I did not want to eat any more food, she kept bugging me so I was like: “ I just don’t want to eat any more food OK!” So she responded with: “I think we need to talk about why you don’t want to eat any more.” So, ya, she referred me to the mental health center because she thought I had some kind of eating disorder or something. I guess I could, but I really do like eating, I just don’t want to right now.

I feel that my whole life is in a strange state of flux or change right now, almost in oppositions. I want to buy things, but I don’t want to spend money. I am hungry, but I don’t want to eat. I want to be with people, but I don’t want to see or talk to anyone. I want to fast and just not eat for days. Perhaps I will not eat, and I will get some kind of vision and be all spiritual, but I don’t want to be spiritual, I don’t want to even talk about stupid religion. I want to be seen for the unique person that I am, but I just want to be anonymous and just a face in the crowd. I really want to eat pizza and drink a beer, but I just want to just chew on a carrot that I just pulled out of the ground with the dirt still clinging to the outside and smelling of earth. I want the “easy way”, but I despise myself for being lazy. I want to stop and smell the flowers, but I want to run so fast that it hurts. I want to sleep, but I want to do everything.

I don’t understand why or how I became so conflicted about everything, I feel that I am approaching some kind of breaking point, that all this STUFF is just going to break me, but I also know that I am not accessing all of who I am, I KNOW that I won’t break, that I will make it through this, that failure is not an option. Perhaps this is what happens to me when I cheat myself out of sleep, do amazing hard things, and than only get a couple hours, than try and get up and do it again. Yes, I shall blame sleep deprivation and overexertion.

I realized something yesterday, I was running, and realized that every breath was hurting, but it felt good, the pain of trying desperately to make my jelly legs do what I want them to, and to push them more. Somehow that is the story of my life for right now. I hurt, but I want more, it makes me sick, but I have to do it again. I don’t really understand why. I feel something, but I don’t know what or how, or why, or what to do about it.

m@
On a dark desert highway
Cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas
Rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance
I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy, and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself
This could be Heaven or this could be Hell
Then she lit up a candle
And she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor
I thought I heard them say

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place
Such a lovely place (background)
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Hotel California
Any time of year
Any time of year (background)
You can find it here
You can find it here

3 comments:

Patty said...

Matt,

A few months ago I wasn't eating very well. I had very little desire to eat. I discovered that, since I ate the same thing almost every day & had no variety of foods, just the thought of eating-I couldn't do it. I had to force myself to eat. I lost 10 lbs. in a short amount of time, when I wasn't even trying to. I kept forgetting to eat because it wasn't important to me. I didn't have any mental problems, though(at least none I knew about). Perhaps this was an eating disorder, but I wasn't doing it on purpose. It wasn't because I hated the food I was eating-I still loved the food that I ate every day & still loved eating, but I found out, after getting different foods to eat, I ate much better, had a better desire to eat later on & gained back 5 lbs. after a while. Losing weight was fine, just not that fast. I still don't overeat & I rarely eat junk food, but I eat a variety of things. I hope this helps in some way. And I also hope you're truly okay or that you will be.

Eat some pizza, drink some beers, chew a carrot & for goodness sake, go buy a packet of gummy bears & don't for one second feel guilty about it!

~Patty

Anna said...

So here's where you're at. Makes more sense now. Colitas...I could never understand that until I saw it written - I thought maybe they were maiming "eucalyptus". Anyway, from what I understand you saying here, I'm going through a similar thing. I don't want to talk to anybody, but I want someone to ask me (though my phone is a liar). I'm just really restless, and it's confusing. I'm still not sure what it is you've got, but I'm not going to give you advice or start analyzing. If you want someone to drink a beer with though, I'll help (just no PBR).

Traci said...

Hey Matt,
I bet that I am the last person that you are expecting to be posting a comment in your blog. This is Traci...from SD. Well actually from WV but you know what I mean. Anyways, I wanted to say hey and get in touch with you again. If you interested in chatting, you can email me at traciwv@verizon.net. I just wanted to catch up on things and talk to you. Hope to hear from you.