Sunday, January 01, 2006

too much thinking

Good news for me! So I had an idea week before last, I realized that I had only 17 credits left to graduate from the OSU. I had been planning to do 14 of them during winter term and take the last three-credit class in the spring. (I have to take the prereq winter, so I can take the spring class, I can’t take them all winter) My plan had been to just take filler classes spring term and just kinda coast through spring and out the door. I am also working as a weekend warrior one weekend a month and two weeks a year for the Air Force Reserves out of Portland. My big plan at current is that I am going to apply for a masters program in Physician’s Assistant. I have about a year gap between when I graduate and when I can get into the school. My plan was to find a job doing something medical like and use the year to hone my medical skills. So the “new” idea was that I might be able to go work for the AF full time as a civilian after winter term and just finish my last class online or via distance learning. So I called up the air base and they were short on manning so I requested some orders and worked for four days this last week. Monday, I went over to my old office to talk with they old guy in there named Rich. Rich is just a great guy to talk to, he was a Marine during Vietnam and was a little messed up by that, but he is just great to talk to, he always gives me advice like “Matt, be sure to check your six and watch out for trip wires, you always need to have some kind of dirt or upper hand on your boss, this business world will slit your throat if your not careful”. “Matt, never take a sh*t on your own time, always clock in than go to the bathroom”. You get the idea. So, I was just chatting with him, I knew that he was retiring in a few months, so I steered the conversation into the realm of what will happen when he retires. I let him come up with the brilliant idea that I should become his replacement. Well, he got really really really excited about that idea, and we continued to chat, and he said “ya, ya, that’s a really good idea, I will email the Chief and see what he says, but that would be a good idea”. So, I left this job about a year ago so that I could make my next rank and progress up to my next skill level. When I left, they put four people into replace me, I still think that’s funny that I was replaced by four people and they still suck at the job. So, Thursday, I talk to Cathy, she is the only other full time person in the little office. I brought up the idea that I could fill in when Rich leaves, and she was just really excited about that, I think that she really likes working with me, and really likes the work that I do. So, she promised to talk to the Chief about it also, and as we were discussing it, the Chief walks into our little bunker room. Cathy asked him, what they were going to do when Rich retires, and Chief was like “well, I don’t know, I guess we will have to find someone, but I am not sure about it now” I was like “well Chief, I think you should just hire me”. Chief got really excited and was like, “ya, ya, that’s a really good idea, if you fill out the afpc app, than I can just request you by name.”

I guess the big point is that I feel that this whole package just dropped into my lap. In one week it went from a vague idea into something profound and interesting, and a very solid possibility for my life. I want to say that it is something grand; something that is not of my doing, dare I say it is a blessing? But I fear the idea of calling this thing a blessing because of what it implies on the other side of the coin. If this is a blessing, is some other person’s misfortune a curse? I guess that we are much more convinced that good things are a blessing, or perhaps that we can attain it via our own hard work. When the world falls apart around you; do you not cry out and feel that God’s hand has turned against you? I don’t understand. Its not that I am extra spiritual and god like so I deserve something more than anyone else, but I do feel that I have planned a lot of things in my life, and a lot of those things have paid off / are paying off. I guess that I just don’t understand why this stuff happens to me. (btw, I am saying this about something good how sick am I…)

I have tried to just feel out things in my life. I had this grand “vision” a while ago, the picture was one of a sailing ship, if its sitting still, you can crank the rudder around all you want, but your not going to do anything. If the ship has just the smallest amount of forward momentum and you crank the wheel over, the whole ship will turn. I have seen that as a model for my life the last few years. I feel things, and I try them out, some I don’t feel comfortable with so I abandon. Other things, I will just take the smallest step in that direction and it feels that it is the most right thing there is. I guess that its like my friend said about his marriage. He tried so hard to pursue some girl, and it just ended in frustration. When he started to pursue his now wife, it just all fell into place. That summed up his advice about my job situation, just try it, and if it falls into place than pursue it.

I guess that on the other side, I worry that I might become lazy, that I only pursue things that are easy. I am not like that, but I am not the kind of person to just keep hitting my head against a brick wall, I tend to look for the door, or another way of getting around the wall. OK, well, this is just a bit much for now, perhaps a little more latter.

“It's high time you were shown/That you really don't know all there is to be known.” ~Dr. Seuss


Emily said...

Chill dude! Sounds like you got some cool things happening, course you deserve it, don't over analyze-- I know you and your energy level too well to say that you'll wear yourself out, but still. Breathe. :)