Sunday, August 08, 2004

don't rock the boat, I am sleeping

That which does not kill us makes us stronger. This may be sound advice, but if you die, sometimes that is the easy way out. I read an interesting out-take from a sermon about J.C. hanging in the boat, the sea is rough but he is sleeping away. The disciples all are having a fit and decide to wake J.C. up, his first response is to question there fear, and faith. Why are you afraid? What are you afraid of? He rebukes the wind and saves the day. The thought trail went something like: look at your life and the storms that fill it, when the storm is bad we look at JC and wonder why he is sleeping.
I personally entered a storm recently, I know He is out there looking out for my every move, but the storm is a little more intense than I thought it would be. This storm happens to be one that involves other people, which makes the effort all the harder. I have the fear that I will fail, that I will not succeed to my full potential. This morning I had my PT test for the AF. I had to do as many push-ups as I could in one minute, as many sit-ups as I could in one minute, than run 1.5 miles as fast as I could. I was a little excited, I have not had to have a test of my knee sense the surgery, and I have not been keeping up with running every day so I was a little slower than I would have liked in the run. I did manage to do 48 pu, and 48 su. I ran the 1.5 mi in 11min 19sec. I was feeling good till this other guy started the run, I kept up with him for about the first lap, but fell a little behind after that. I finished second, about 50seconds behind the other guy and about 60 sec in front of the next guy. I know it sounds stupid, but I was a little disappointed I thought I was going to do so well, and I did, I just did not do as well as I thought I would. I have this nagging fear that I did not try hard enough, that I could have done things better; I could have gotten a better score. I do not like the idea that I settled with out accomplishing my best.
I guess that is my fear for my life in general that I will not accomplish my goal due to my own lack of motivation. I am still plagued by my memory of high school football. I played football from fifth grade till freshman year of high school. I quit my freshman year, despite my coach’s attempts at encouragement. I did not have to quit, I made the choice to be fat and lazy. That choice started a very hard time in my life. I got fat, I hated school, I hated the people at the school. I know in my mind that these things might have happened even if I had made a different choice; still I can not help but feel that that choice was one of those major junction points in my life. I want to think that if I had stuck it out, that I could have had an amazing high school experience. I know this is spilled milk kind of stuff, but what are our brains for if not for remembering all the stupid stuff that we have done.