Monday, January 10, 2011

When do you give up?

I feel that there has to be a time and a point where you have exhausted your available means and you must simply give up. I know that there is a fascination with being the unrelenting hard charger that just never gives up. Hell, I have held out hope for years and been rewarded by the fulfillment of those desires. The wait made it all the more sweet.

I have been working on a work related goal for months now. Its silly and just busy work, but I worked hard at it and have accomplished a great deal. Late last week I found out that I would not be able to finish my project. There are two tasks left out of over 100, but those two tasks have been outlawed here. So policy prevents me from gaining my device.

I have been fighting for the last month or so because there were obstacles in the way to my goal. It seems now that two obstacles will stop me. I have accomplished all other tasks that I can. These two remain. I know that I have given up. I was angry for two days. I did not talk to people and I just sat and stewed and listened to angry music as I worked out.

Now, I am just calm. I have given up. I don’t know that this fight is worth fighting. I want it badly, but I just don’t seem to care much at this point. I wonder how often that plays out in my life. How often do I give up before attaining my goal? How often is that goal futile and I SHOULD give up? I am not opposed to hard work. Contrary to that, I quite enjoy it.

One of the tasks I checked off today was to run a Marine Corps Physical Fitness Test (PFT). I passed. I did not blow it away, but I passed and I am proud of that. I remember back when I was 18 and in high school, I was pondering what to do with my life and I did consider joining the USMC. I was so very afraid of it. It’s a scary idea. Those guys are NUTS. Besides, I was fat. Very fat. I started my senior year of high school at 276 lbs. I had a 46 inch waste. I was fat.

I weighed in at 193 when I graduated. I had accomplished a lot. It was a lot of hard work, and I obsessed and I sweated my arse off in the gym every day. But that was a goal and I worked and I achieved. I had lost a lot of weight, but I still saw myself as fat, I pondered joining the MC but was so afraid that I would never make it. I still see myself as a fat man that just hides his fat well with clothes, but I know I can do so much more now than what I had the mental strength to accomplish when I was 18. So today, when I crossed the finish line of that run, it cleaned off the chalk board.

To fight on, or to give in? That is the question of the day. There is no right answer. Or there are several answers depending on when and what the situation is. I don’t have the answer.


t. said...

Do we get to know what it is you're going for?