Tuesday, August 03, 2010

This picture is for OG

My patience has been tested as of late. It should not have been, but it has. I used to think that I had a lot of patience. I could love on people despite themselves.

Today the simple things seem to bother me. I am cranky. I get to listen to people's problems. Its my job. I sit and listen to people and what bothers them. I used to care. I loved to hear a problem and take that and try and solve the problem. I would get a great deal of joy out of solving the problems of a stranger. I am having a hard time finding that joy now.

A great deal has changed in my life. I no longer have an endless supply of people with different and interesting problems to solve. Now I sit behind a desk and write paperwork. Suck. The complaints are no longer a problem that I can fix in a 5 minute visit. They have morphed into vague non-solid problems.

Its times like this that I start to really see how much the public idea of medicine is unrealistic. People expect solutions. Example: "my knee hurts when I run", well ya, everyone's knees hurt. "My back hurts" every human has back pain, it comes with being bipedal. Some days I want to scream "We have no answers". How rare and happy I am when I find a problem and a cause all in the same visit. It seems that most days I just rule out any kind of bad issues, and let nature take its course.

I am dissatisfied with my job today. I feel that I have prostituted myself into a system that really does not care that much. That is built around harnessing and using humans. I am a cog in that machine. I am just here to patch up the leaky dam and get it back in the game.

I do not like working for the man.

Humm. As I type this, I feel that I have had an insight. I have never liked "the man". Yet now, my job is more as an advocate for the system. I used to be an advocate for the patient, but now I work for the man. I have to justify everything. I have a set system to work in. Its veterinary medicine. I am working on someone's prize thoroughbred horse. They care about the body, but only in so much as it is a slab of meat to be put back into the grinder.

I have sold out part of my soul. I have betrayed the trust.

I have lost my way. I need to seek the center. The balance.


t. said...

So, thoroughbreds. Remember back in the day, when a horse would break its leg and be shot because there's no good way to repair a horse leg? But then, remember Barbaro? Het got national attention when he broke his leg, but being such a worthwhile horse, ridiculous amounts of money were spent to rig a harness to suspend him in a stable so that his leg could be repaired. The nation wept at his accident, but horse-crazy little girls followed his post-op progress with great dedication. I think even CNN covered the story from time to time. How far we had come! We no longer have to shoot these million-dollar creatures when they break on the field as they push themselves to meet their riders' demands!!! Barbaro! A national hero! Heartwarming!

Barbaro then developed an infection in his hooves, because horses are designed by God to have the pressure of their own weight on their hooves. The pressure served to aid the circulation and move the blood through those crazy long legs. Well, Barbaro's suspension, while healing one leg, denied all the others.

Barbaro died. From infection, after many months.

This was supposed to encouraging. How did I get here, hmm, veterinary medicine...?