Wednesday, October 12, 2005

I hate fried fish

What the hell is this thing of love? I really don’t understand it. Ya I got bit a while back, and I have spent the years trying to live my life with the understanding that love of life is the thing, the goal, the ideal. Why live life without a love of what you do, and who you are? Why live life in black and white, tasteless, void of emotional intimacy? I think that I should say that I have not lived inside emotional intimacy sense. I have been naked and honest and transparent yes, but emotionally intimate? Have I let people in? Have I let them have a hold on my life? No. I have even been in “relationships” where I was supposed to care about the other person, I did care, but I doubt that I opened up enough of who I am to be hurt. I guess that I am thinking of the part from the Narnia Chronicles, the ugly little boy has been turned into a dragon, and needs to have Azlan cut his shell away. I feel that once upon a time, something did sneak through, something very real, something or someone, it cut me to the core of who I am. I have spent the time sense trying to peel away all the layers that surround me, the me of who I am, the me at the core.

Looking at it now, I feel that I have failed, that I have been just running, but somehow I have fooled people into thinking that I was making some kind of advancement, when in reality, I was just running, hiding, cowering in the corner.

I want to say that I have failed because I have not been hurt by people. If I don’t let people in, than I cannot be hurt by them. I am not some weirdo trying to get some kind of joy out of emotional pain, but I think that it is an important gauge. Yes they are MY emotions, and YES I can choose who and what affects me, but only to a point. What if you don’t get to choose everything? Why do people CHOSE to stay in abusive relationships? It’s a choice yes, but also there is something huge going on inside. What if you don’t get to chose who and what you love? I don’t think that my friend who is wicked smart chooses to love some guy who is obviously a drunken abusive guy. So in that same way do I get to cop out and say that I don’t get to choose everything that I love or let in?

Partly no, I have not let anything in sense, not consciously, I have tried, I thought that I was making forward steps, but have I made any real progress? On one hand I want to be grateful. For me, the bar is set pretty dam high, and it is going to take someone with great jumps to get over it. On the other hand, I feel bad because of the string of damage that I can see before and behind me. Its something that has bothered me, I am OK with hurting myself, ya if I walk into that class door its going to hurt, fine I walked myself into it. But if I end up leading anther person into the same door, how much worse do I feel because I walked them into it. On the other hand, I would hope that they would also be watching out where we are going. If they see me walking them into a wall, I would hope that they would say “uh that’s a wall, I am not going to walk into it”.

So part of me feels that I am missing out, that I need to be continually searching for new and interesting ways to dig a little deeper into who I am and where I am going. It’s a hard thing sometimes, like proof reading your own paper, you never see a lot of your own mistakes, you made them. If you take your same paper to someone else to read, they might not even be a writing god, but they can see things that you did that were wrong. In the same way, its hard to be on a journey to “know thyself”, because you don’t get to see all the ugly parts, you get to gloss over them and ignore things that you can. It might not even be a conscious thing, you just don’t see everything about self. Lets get a little Eldridge going on, “they know you like no other” speaking of your spouse, or that person who you let in. Could it be that someone else could know you better than you know yourself? Should you be on a journey to “know thyself” with a partner? Someone to check for your typos?

Or is this a community function? Only partly, you guys only get to know parts of me. You don’t have the time or ability to know me that way, you cant. Yes you can give me valuable insight into who I am, yes you can point out those ugly corners that need to be rounded out, but there is a little missing, no a lot missing, that is only part of the puzzle.

Well, that’s one well done piece of fried fish, I did not even know that it was burning till this morning. The war of 1812 was in? Anyone? Anyone?

"How can you whip cream without whips? Whipped cream isn't whipped cream at all unless it's been whipped with whips. Just as a poached egg isn't a poached egg unless it's been stolen from the woods in the dead of night!" ~Willy Wonka