Thursday, August 04, 2005


First an apology, at least an apology to myself, I have not been true to myself in writing out some of the amazing things that I have been thinking, perhaps you are not in need of an apology, perhaps it was nice not to have to open the email and think, humm Starkey has gone off the deep end again… The funny thing is that this first thought drags directly into the thoughts that I had this morning, yes, there is something magical about being awake at 5 something in the morning, if just feels like the rest of the world is still asleep, like I am ahead of the game plan. So I got a call from my bro Jon last night at first I was like, odd, why is he calling me, why is he calling me just to chat, what’s really going on? It turns out that he was dealing with some issues, and just wanted to chat, so we talked, like we have not in a long time, sad that the guy is my best friend and it is the odd occasion that brings us together to talk about the important issues. The thing is that when things felt like they were in the dumps, he knew that he could call, and that I would be there, that I would still love the guy no matter what. He knows that he matters at least to me, that I care about his heart, how he is doing, what he is feeling. So how are we to relate this to our relationship with God? God is in constant pursuit of our hearts, he wants that kind of deep relationship, where when things happen, good or bad, the first thing that we want to do is pick up the phone and call him and say, “holy cow, I just saw one of the funniest things that I have seen in a long time,…” OR, “dude, I am really hurting, this sucks.” So I can rely on my bro to be there for me, but I have a hard time doing that with God, why? Why is it that I can draw so much comfort from the flawed people that are around me, but when the creator of the universe is holding out his hand it still feels like I am on my own? No, not on my own, I know that God is real and that he is out there, that he even cares about me, and my life. The problem is one of trust, I trust Jon more than any other person on the face of the earth, I have trusted him with my life more times than I can remember, I have trusted him with my heart and my true and deep friendship, all things that if that trust were broken, it would be a fatal, or at least a devastating wound. I don’t trust the goodness and the good intentions behind some of Gods actions. At least not fully, but I am getting better, or perhaps that is just me deluding myself.

The issue is also one of outright pursuit, to matter to someone, one of my friends said something profound a while ago. We were sitting on the beach roasting hotdogs, and mallows, and talking about how people pursue approval from other people. How people desire approval from people whom they think are contented with life. If someone has got it all together, than he or she must have the answers, so if I matter to that person, than I will matter because they have got it all figured out.

Part of this comes from our own lack of self-esteem, or lack of self-value. I have been really looking at this hard the last few days, how I view myself, and what I do with that. It is hard to think that someone else thinks you’re valuable if you don’t think that you are valuable to yourself. Ya, I have downplayed things when people give me compliments. I still do not understand what to do with that. I had a friend tell me a few days ago that he thought I wrote very well, and have I ever thought of writing a book. The first thoughts were, don’t you know who I am? I am the king of bad spelling, I am a failure in the writing department, I have nothing to say that anyone in there right mind would want to hear, I cannot and should not talk to much people might not like what I have to say, people might think that talk to much, I don’t want to be the kind of person who gives the answers in class, on and on and on.

The funny thing is that as I was writing this out, I had a major realization, how much of this is baggage that I am carrying around with me? Where is my place of wounded-ness? Dad, I love ya, but I think part of this is coming from where I saw you. My dad is a great guy, a guy to get answers from, and it really made me upset when people would ask me questions, especially if I did not know the answer, or if I did know the answer, I would be reluctant to give them the answer. I did not want to be seen as “the guy with the answers”. Humm this is starting to dig a little too deep for me right now, it is starting to hurt, I think I will go off and do something mindless like study.

And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out
the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no
more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt
count, and the number of the counting shalt be three.
Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two,
excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is
right out. Once the number three, being the third
number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand
Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty
in my sight, shall snuff it."

-- Monty Python and the Holy Grail